Messengers in Denim
By Parnell Donahue, M.D.
Messengers in Denim sounds like the title to the newest vampire trilogy or perhaps a new Scifi novel debut but it’s not any of those things. In fact it’s not a novel but a non-fiction book on successful parenting. It’s about parenting during those difficult years – the teen years. Let’s face the truth parenting for children from infancy to age 10 or 11 is not all that difficult. That’s the age of dependence. The little ones depend on mom and dad for everything. They revel in their mother’s beauty and their father’s wisdom until they hit those pre-teen and teen years. Then the sham is over, the jig is up, mom and dad have feet of clay and overnight our teenaged children possess the knowledge of the world and quickly let us know it.
Well take heart because Dr. Donahue’s book provides a useful GPS tool to successfully navigate these troubled years. He opens the book with a chapter titled “Kids Do Listen” and trust Dr. Donahue, they really do listen, but the most important of the book’s lessons is for us parents to listen to the messages that our teenagers give to us.
The book is divided into six sections that deal with life such as, Home and Family, Religion, Substance Abuse, Teen Sexuality, Medical Issues, and Living Well. Each of the sections is subdivided into chapters that address specific issues within the sections. Each section concludes with a list of useful Parenting Tips. It’s an easy read that doesn’t require one to start at the beginning and go to the end. The reader can pick and choose their most relevant topics for immediate reading. However, the material is light enough for the reader to begin at the beginning and cover each topic as it is presented all the way to the end.
Dr. Donahue presents his advice in an easy conversational style with most chapters relaying information through an encounter with a young person sharing pearls of wisdom with the Doctor. Hence, the title, Messengers in Denim. I would encourage anyone with children aged 9 and older to get this book. In books such as this one it is often tempting to skip the Foreword. Don’t do it for this book. The Foreword written by Matthew D. Eberly, MD offers tremendous insight to Dr. Donahue that goes beyond his impressive biography.
Interview with Dr. Parnell Donahue, M.D., Author, Messengers in Denim
Dr. Donahue has over forty years experience in pediatric medicine and is a member of the Irish and American Pediatric Society, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and a past member of the AMA, the Society for Adolescent Medicine, the American College of Sports Medicine, the Georgia Chapter of the Academy of Pediatrics, and the Wisconsin Chapter of the Academy of Pediatrics.
MJT: Dr. Donahue, what was your motivation, forty years ago, to select pediatric medicine?
PD: After internship, I served in the USAF where I worked part time in the pediatric clinic with pediatricians Maurice Falk and Ken Kerr. These doctors knew so much, and inspired me to learn more. Together we were able to make a difference in many families’ lives. I had liked pediatrics while in Medical School, and, probably because of my large family, I always felt comfortable with kids. This Air Force experience made my entry into pediatrics a necessity and very enjoyable.
While in the Air Force I also spent time in the orthopedic clinic. There Dr. Frank Kelly impressed me with the joy of seeing broken bones heal. He also showed me how fun it was to help young airman and athletes perform better.
MJT: When did you first get the idea for this book?
PD: Many years ago a 10 year old girl told me I should write a book about diseases. I had just diagnosed her with a bronchial infection, discussed it with her and her mother, then I asked if she had any questions. She said no, and added that the explanation was very interesting and I should write a book about it.
I thought about that for a couple of months and eventually wrote Germs Make Me Sick (1975 Alfred A Knopf). It was very successful and appeared in many public libraries and schools. Part of the fun was getting letters and questions from kids and their families from all over the USA.
About that time, because of my knowledge and experience with orthopedics and pediatrics, I was asked to be team physician for the local high school. That was a fun, non-paying job, and I loved it. Out of this came my second book, Sports Doc (1975 Alfred A. Knopf). The excitement of being an author continued for a few more years but, my practice and my family life became too busy to do much writing.
Messengers in Denim, like my first book, was born from a patient I saw in my practice. Marc (you read about him in chapter nine) told me “If you sleep with dogs you’ll get fleas.” Now that may be a common phrase to you, but I had not heard it. It started me thinking about things other teens told me that made sense. Soon I had written half a dozen good life lessons in my note book. Then I started to recall other patients whose stories taught a lesson.
I never thought of these lessons becoming a parenting book. I called them “Life Lessons I Learned from Teens.” I presented the information at a pediatric conference in California and another in Atlanta. At that last conference one of the doctors asked “When is the book coming out?” Until then I hadn’t thought about making it a book.
I submitted it to a number of publishing houses but they all told me no one wants to read about teenagers. Finally David Hall, from MapleTree Publishing told me he would buy it if I changed it to a parenting teenagers book. I gasped at the thought of my delightful book about teenagers becoming a dreaded parenting book!
But the transition was not too difficult and Messengers in Denim became a reality.
MJT: I find your title intriguing. How did you come up with Messengers in Denim?
PD: Picking a title is a difficult job. My family and I submitted many titles, as did the editors and publisher. I think “Messengers in Denim was about the 50th title the editors, publisher, and I discussed. But Doreatha Page, my sister-in law, came up with it after reading an early copy.
I think babies are born carrying a message from their Creator. When these little angels (angels you will recall are God’s Messengers) become teens they are still the same angel you held in your arms a few years ago, only now they are wearing denim.
Our job as parents is to decipher that message and teach them our message. After all, we all are carriers of God’s messages.
MJT: In almost every chapter you make your point by using anecdotes presented in dialogue fashion with adolescent patients. With over forty years in the field how did you manage to pull this history together? I have this image in my mind of your garage filled to the rafters with boxes containing patient histories.
PD: My garage is filled to the rafters, but it’s not with patients’ histories, it’s all my gardening stuff! The histories are actually a part of me.
One of the things I love about peds is the connection with families. After a visit or two the kids become “My” kids, and who could forget his kids. One of the mothers once told my wife, “Going to see your husband is like going to see my brother or my favorite uncle.” I felt the same way about her and almost all of my “kids” parents!
Think for a minute of a memorable conversation you had with one of your kids some years ago. It may have been when your son told you he was going to ask his girlfriend to marry him. Or perhaps it was the day your daughter called you at work and told you about her scholarship. I’ll never forget the day my grandson told me he was awarded an appointment to West Point, or the day when Eric (in Chapter 19) told me, “You will become the man you pretend to be.” Or when Rafe (in Chapter Eight) told me there was no such thing as peer pressure. It was, he said, “…just an excuse to do what you know you shouldn’t.”
Who could forget these moments? That’s why they’re called memorable! After I became aware of the lessons the teens were telling me, I did begin to write them down, but so many of them came out of my memorable moments memory!
MJT: How should parents use your book?
PD: When I decided to concentrate my practice on adolescent medicine, I did so because I thought I would be able to help many troubled teens. I soon found that by age 13 kids are pretty much set in their ways (read values) and changing them is very difficult – possible, but difficult.
How much easier things would be if parents knew how to be parents. Almost all parenting books are written for the new mother and teach how to nurse a baby, give a bath, introduce soft foods, toilet train a toddler, read to a child, play with him or her, and how to avoid other physical, possible stumbling blocks. These things are important, but more important is how to be a parent!
Being a parent means changing from being a friend and buddy, to being a responsible adult in all things. Fathers are as important as mothers! Dads need to read parenting books, too. What you do is more important than what you say; we all know that, but too often we forget. And everything a parent does is important, everything!
My hope is that parents read Messengers as soon as pregnancy is confirmed or even before conception. This will give them time to adapt to the role of parenting. Then they should re-read it often during the child’s life. Midwest Review called Messengers, “Timeless”, so the lessons will not go out of style!
People who already have children should read it, too. It can be in one setting or a chapter at a time. Hopefully, they can do so before the kids become teenagers. But, it will be helpful for parents with kids of every age, even teens.
Just imagine the impact if the parents of teens would read Messengers and call the family together and say, “Mom and I have made some mistakes in our parenting style. So we are going to make some changes. It should not be harder for you, just harder for us. You will find things will get easier for you as we adapt to our new roles. There will be some new rules; you will adapt to them easily. Here, if you would like read this book, it will tell you what we plan to do and why. If nothing else, it will prevent you from making some of the mistakes we made when you become parents.”
First, kids would probably all faint at parents admitting they made mistakes. Then they would rush to the parent’s defense. Kids love their parents, and don’t want anyone telling them that theirs are not great parents (except maybe the kids themselves when they are angry with their parents.) Additionally, the kids would be flattered that you suggest they read a parenting book. That tells them you are starting to think of them as adults!
Now, I’m not saying that everyone who parents differently than I suggest is a bad parent; I am saying that we all can improve our parenting as well as many other areas of our lives.
MJT: We’ve all seen and know adults who are addicted to electronic gadgets. We’ve seen couples eating dinner in fine restaurants who are texting, emailing, or playing games on their phones instead of talking to each other. How are parents supposed to control their children’s gadget addictions in this kind of environment?
PD: Remember, kids do what they see their parents do! Before your kids even have a cell phone or other electronic device they should not see you using it in a way you wouldn’t want them to use it. That’s half the battle!
When they get their first device lay out the rules you want them to follow along with defining what the penalty will be if they violate the rules. Here, the punishment should not fit the crime; it must be much worse to be effective. If they bring it to the table, even if they do not use it they lose it for a month or two. You decide with them before the violation! If they text and drive they can have the choice of giving up the cell phone for a year, or their drivers license for a year. Sure, that will hurt them and probably you, but it won’t hurt as much as a funeral!
Another rule is that all cell phones, video games, and the like will be kept in a place where the kids are not doing homework. If they do homework upstairs, the devices stay downstairs. If homework is done in the kitchen, the devices stay in the living room. And, no such devices must ever be allowed in a kid’s bedroom after bedtime. That goes for TV’s and computers, too. Regardless of the kids’ ages!
MJT: There is probably a consensus that it is more difficult today than ever before to raise teenagers. Would you agree? And if so, what suggests would you offer.
PD: Sort of, I am currently working on a book about what makes parenting so difficult today. I have asked interested parents to let me know what makes parenting hard for them. You can help by sending your opinion along with the age of your kids, and your age as well as the age of your spouse to me at par.donahue@comcast.net.
I have discovered so far is that parents make it difficult by trying to be friends of their kids rather than parents. In addition they fail to make rules, or don’t follow through with the punishment when rules are violated.
Start by never counting to ten while waiting for a child to do what you ask. We’ve all done it, but that’s starting bad a precedent.
Another thing that makes parenting hard is allowing or encouraging kids to be in too many activities. Parents are not designed to be taxi drivers. Mom and Dad have a life too! And remember, the kids came to live with you. They should be respectful of your time and place. Too soon they will be gone and if you have spent all your time with them, when they leave you will be lonely and a stranger to your spouse. Then there is the issue of “peer-pressure.”
MJT: Having mentioned peer pressure two times already, talk about it and what a parent can do to prevent it!
PD. When I heard Rafe (in Chapter Eight) say, “Peer pressure is just an excuse to do what you know you shouldn’t,” and that there is no such thing as peer pressure, I wasn’t sure if I believed him. So he added, “…it’s like this: If you want to smoke or do something dumb like that, are you going to hang out with people who don’t smoke and have them listen to you cough and tell you how dumb you are? No, you’re going to find an idiot like yourself who smokes and you’ll hang around with him and talk about how cool you look. No one comes up to you and says, ‘Smoke this cigarette or I’ll break your arm.’ They usually don’t even say, ‘Smoke this or I won’t be your friend.’ Most of the time people don’t care about you, or what you do. They only care about themselves. You can always find friends who want to do what you want—right or wrong.”
Since then, I have talked to many kids and adults about peer pressure. After they have had a minute to think about it they agree with Rafe. The thing you want to do comes first, and then you find someone who wants to do it, too. That togetherness makes it more comfortable and you know that society has already given “peer pressure” a pass as an excuse. If you don’t want to do the thing, you will find friends who don’t want to do it either. You’ll end up flocking with birds like yourself.
However, it is different for positive peer pressure. Here again, you know what you should do but don’t want to do it. Study, for example: if your peers are good students you will try to be a good student, too. And if your peers are poor students who don’t study you may not study, but remember, you didn’t want to study in the first place, so Rafe was right.
Now, there are some things that kids don’t really think are important, and they don’t care if they want to do them or not. Things like color of clothes, the way they wear their hair, or chew gum for instance. If their friends are all wearing shorts to a snowball fight, they will most likely wear shorts too. But that’s not something important enough for them to have a pre-snowball fight opinion on.
So, the lesson is: Make sure your kids know what is right, what is wrong, and what doesn’t make any difference. Then neither you nor they will have to worry about peer pressure.
Thank you, Mike for allowing me to participate in this interview. One final request of our readers, please send me your thoughts on what makes parenting difficult. Together we can find solution!
Thanks Mike, for this excellent review and a great interview. I hope your readers love it as much as I do! You surely have a way with words! Gratefully, Par